Advocate.com: The Believers (May 7)

The Believers
Three years after the furor over a teenage boy who was forcibly sent to one of its camps, the ex-gay movement may be losing steam. Meanwhile, ex-gay survivors are gaining strength. But are the two groups really that different? Tim Murphy finds out.

Few who follow the culture wars will forget the summer of Zach. In 2005 the parents of Zach Stark, a 16-year-old Tennessean, forced him to go to Refuge—a two-week day camp run by the Christian group Love in Action, which aims to help people leave the gay life behind them. But before Zach left, he blogged about it unhappily on his MySpace page. His writings spread like wildfire among his friends, caused international outrage, and led to protests outside the Memphis camp demanding that Zach and other teens not be enrolled there against their will.

The uproar brought new attention to so-called ex-gay Christian ministries that promise to deliver people from same-sex behavior or desires—ministries that have existed at least as long as their umbrella group, Exodus International, which was founded in 1976. Zach’s story also highlighted the little-known debate between proponents of ex-gay programs and so-called survivors of such programs, who said that they were not only scams but psychologically harmful to those who went through them.

Three years later, Zach is in college, has accepted his gayness, and appears in This Is What Love in Action Looks Like, a new documentary about the controversy. And in the small hothouse world where ex-gays face off with ex-gay survivors (sometimes called ex-ex-gays), changes are afoot. The survivors movement has grown to challenge the claims of ex-gay ministries. And Exodus—an organization that encompasses more than 120 ministries in the United States and Canada and is linked with 150 more affiliated ministries in 17 countries—has modified both its language and its focus in ways suggesting that even though it is far from disbanding, it is sensitive to criticism.

Could the two “sides” of this heated issue be merging? Not quite yet. But as I listened to the often heartbreaking stories of both ex-gays and ex-gay survivors, I realized that their efforts to reconcile gay feelings with their conservative Christian values and near-literal understanding of the Bible created a stronger bond with one another than with much of the rest of gay culture. As Peterson Toscano, a leader on the survivors side, put it, “We’re a ship of fools all together.”

Shifting Ground?
So what’s really changed since the world read Zach’s blog? For one thing, the doings of ex-gay ministries are more carefully monitored, as evidenced by a recent Southern Poverty Law Center report, “Straight Like Me,” and the website ExGayWatch.com, founded in 2002. David Roberts, one of the site’s authors, says its primary mission is “keeping an eye on what [ex-gay ministries] say and do in public,” and on “their relations with political groups.”

For more than a year, the website BeyondExGay.com has been a virtual gathering point for ex-gay survivors, many of whom now picket ex-gay ministries events and conferences and attempt to share their stories with attendees. Beyond Ex-Gay also holds conferences of its own. “Our primary goal is being a support group for ex-gay survivors,” says Toscano. Like Christine Bakke, who runs the group with him, he attended ex-gay ministries for years before finally accepting his gayness. “Our secondary goal,” Toscano adds, “is to talk about the harm of reparative therapy” -- therapy meant to de-gay you -- “in ex-gay ministries.”

Toscano and Bakke say BeyondExGay.com has had over 100,000 visitors in less than a year, and they’re proud of their accomplishments. Last summer they sat down with three Exodus leaders to air views over an informal dinner during Exodus’s annual Freedom Conference in Irvine, Calif. The meeting was well-timed since just two days earlier three former Exodus leaders (all now comfortably gay) publicly apologized at the Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Center for any harm they’d caused. Three Australian former Exodus leaders soon added their names to the public apology.

In late February in Memphis, Beyond Ex-Gay picketed Love Won Out -- an ex-gay ministry sponsored by the conservative Christian group Focus on the Family that has Exodus speakers at its conferences. Members of Beyond Ex-Gay held signs that read christian & gay, “change” at what price? and, addressing the dismayed parents that the conference draws, we know you love your kids. Beyond Ex-Gay later presented Love Won Out leaders with framed art collages they’d made illustrating the pain of going through ex-gay programs.

“It’s about people starting to say, ‘This has done me more harm than good,’” says Bakke, adding that, because Beyond Ex-Gay has published a growing chorus of such stories, it’s shaken up the usual talk-show paradigm. “Before they’d have [Truth Wins Out executive director] Wayne Besen saying ‘These programs don’t work’ and Alan [Chambers, who heads Exodus] saying they do,” says Toscano. Bakke adds, “What got lost was the actual people who were doing [the ex-gay ministries]. It’s like a kid in a custody battle. We’re finally stepping forward, serving as a witness and a warning.”

In part because of their actions, Toscano and Bakke say that Exodus has been changing. They point to a June 2007 story in the Los Angeles Times in which Chambers said he wasn’t sure he’d ever met a someone who’s completely ex-gay. Chambers also admitted that after years of heterosexual marriage he still struggled with feelings of gay desire and that “by no means would we ever say change can be sudden or complete.”

A few years ago, in a study Exodus commissioned of about 100 people in ex-gay programs, only about 5% experienced what the study called “conversion” to heterosexuality -- but the study also counted as “change” the larger percentage who reported they managed to abstain from gay sex, if not to overcome gay feelings.

Says Toscano: “They’ve lost some of the power of their message because they’re saying change isn’t really possible. So people are saying, ‘Why try?’ ”

Chambers counters, “That’s a mischaracterization of what we’re saying. We’re not saying change isn’t possible. We’re just being more honest about what change truly is and isn’t.”

Another major change cited by Beyond Ex-Gay is undisputed. Last year, Exodus let go of the lobbyist it had briefly hired to work on Capitol Hill against inclusion of gays in the (currently stalled) hate-crimes bill, on the argument that since being gay was not a fixed thing, it didn’t deserve protection alongside traits like race or gender. Says Toscano: “We’d said to them, ‘We don’t understand why Exodus is involved in politics. Why are you trying to deny us the rights we could have that could make our lives easier?”

In an interview with Ex-Gay Watch (yes, the two “sides” are very much in touch), Chambers tried to explain the move away from lobbying: “I felt…conflicted…that we might be alienating people that simply wouldn’t call us for help because of the perception that we were becoming a partisan and political organization rather than a ministry for all.”

However, Chambers says that he’ll remain a member of the Arlington Group, a powerful consortium of conservative political organizations, including Focus on the Family. Does Exodus receive money from Focus? No, according to Chambers, although he would not name which, if any, other large groups give Exodus money -- and as a nonprofit, the group does not have to list such donors on its tax forms. What’s more, he said, though Exodus’s formal lobbying was over, “if we have an opportunity to share our stories with people on Capitol Hill, we’re going to.” Toscano counters that Beyond Ex-Gay does no formal lobbying and critiques Exodus’s stance: “If they think [that’s] not political work, they’re deceiving themselves and need to be challenged on it.”

Yet another major change in the ex-gay world: Last summer Love in Action closed the controversial teen Refuge camp where Stark had been sent. The ministry now runs an intensive four-day program for kids and parents that is focused more on getting them to communicate better than on making the kids straight, according to John Smid, Love in Action’s longtime but departing leader. “Some of the kids will say, ‘I’m not going to pursue change, but, boy, my relationship with my parents is a lot better,’ ” he says.

TWO PARTS OF THE SAME ISLAND
There are other signs that these two worlds, the very same until that moment when some make peace with their gayness and others renounce it, are coming closer. “We’re two parts of the same island,” says Toscano -- an image that is reinforced by the Gay Christian Network (GayChristian.net). Founded in 2001, GCN has found an ingenious way of bridging the divide between ex-gays and ex-ex-gays and putting the focus on spiritual matters: It lets participants choose to belong to what’s called Side A—“those who are in gay relationships or hope to be someday” -- or Side B, “those who view their same-sex attractions as a temptation and strive to live celibate lives.” Says Wendy Gritter, the straight, married leader of New Directions, a 23-year-old Exodus-affiliated ministry in Toronto: “It’s a powerful message to a world that’s so flipping divided.”

Gritter doesn’t view gay relationships as “the perfection of God’s creative intent” any more than most straight relationships, even marriage. But when conservative Christians come to her tormented with gay feelings, her goal, she says, is to see them “at peace, living consistently with their beliefs and values.”

And if they decide that being gay is OK with God? “It’s not our role…to convince them to believe what we believe,” Gritter points out. “We wouldn’t break off our relationship and say, ‘Now that you’ve embraced your sexuality as a gift from God, we can’t relate to you,’ but rather ‘Hey, we may have some areas where we agree to disagree, but we want to hear how you’re growing in your faith and how we can continue to love and serve you.’ ”

But doesn’t that make her ministry almost, well, gay-affirming? Gritter sees the blurriness, almost seems to welcome it, acknowledging that she’s the product of Canada, where Christian culture is far less politically engaged than in the United States. “Why wouldn’t a non-Christian gay person, someone who doesn’t have a Scripture-informed view of sexual ethics, seek a lifetime [same-sex] partner?” she asks. “It’s a no-brainer.” In many ways, as warmly as she speaks of Chambers, she seems a hairbreadth from severing her Exodus ties. But she stays, she says, because “I have hope for effective future ministry for Exodus, and I hope to have input in that.” Chambers says that he and Gritter are “huge fans of one another” and that Exodus has no plans of cutting ties with her.

Gritter cites a prominent study last fall by the Barna Research Group, which found that an overwhelming majority of young Americans ages 16 to 29 described Christianity as being, among other things, judgmental, hypocritical, and antigay. Because of such perceptions, she says, “I think [Exodus] is going to face a sense of crisis of which path to take, one aligned with the Christian right or one that moves toward a singular focus on mission and ministry.” But here Chambers disagrees. “What will be increasingly true and apparent,” he says, “is that you can’t pin us down and stick us in a box.”

MY ENEMY, MY BROTHER
A personal note: Starting this story, I wanted to stick ex-gays in a box. Reading the FAQs on the Exodus website—“Is there a connection between homosexuality and predatory behavior, like pedophilia?” -- it was hard not to feel enraged. But while talking to Chambers, Smid, and Melissa Fryrear, an ex-gay who heads up Love Won Out, I found myself tearing up at their tales of torment, depression, and drug and alcohol abuse -- just as I did while hearing remarkably similar stories from Toscano and Bakke. It was particularly painful to listen to Fryrear recall how she used to punch concrete walls and cut herself, even though I was skeptical when she said therapy led her to link her lesbian feelings to having been sexually abused by a man as a child. She couldn’t remember the man, nor when or where it happened.

Chambers, Fryrear, and Smid had all at one point led gay lives, and their mixed feelings about their former lives were palpable. Chambers called the last two years of high school, when he started having a gay social life, “probably the best time in my life…. I had the most exciting, great friends…. The music takes me back instantly…. I loved Depeche Mode.” Fryrear and her live-in girlfriend went back to church together and stayed a couple for nearly two more years before she transitioned into her ex-gay life, which now includes dating a man. Chambers even avows that if an early gay relationship had worked out, “My life could’ve been radically different…. It’s not that I don’t believe I could have lived a happy gay life; it’s that I thought there was more, and I found out there was.” Chambers and his wife of 10 years are now raising two adopted children.

Writing this story, I sensed a yearning on each “side” of the divide to be closer to the other. Karen Keen, a California ex-gay, wrote on her blog about attending Beyond Ex-Gay’s survivor conference: “I realize I was drawn [there] because I love these people. In some impossible way I long for camaraderie and unity with ex-ex-gays with whom I have shared so many of the same life struggles and pain. Yet at the end of the day our roads lead us apart, and I wish it wasn’t so. I leave the Survivor Conference knowing it will be my last ex-ex-gay conference. I feel an ache in my heart -- the kind of sadness that comes when breaking up with a lover.”

In one of my last interviews, I felt a bit of that ache myself. I’d asked John Smid, 54, who’s not only married with kids but has grandkids now too, what perceptions of his work he most resented. “The assumption that I hate people who are involved in homosexuality,” he said, “that I’ve turned my back on them. That’s not true.” He also hated media reports that Love in Action said it could “pray away the gay.” He noted, “The headlines are always about changing homosexuality, and I say that we’ve never said that.”

But why couldn’t people be gay and Christian? “If you have a conviction that’s acceptable, then that’s between you and the Lord,” he said. “Go find a gay-affirming church. That’s up to you. There are plenty out there.”

I laid down my reporter’s notebook (metaphorically -- we were on the phone). Smid was funny and thoughtful and affable. I told him that I’d like to be his friend, that as a comfortable, happy gay man raised Catholic but now more inclined toward a broadly spiritual liberal humanism, I’d like to meet for coffee and discuss these issues more. And I said I truly had no interest in changing him. Could he say the same thing?

He paused. “No. To be honest.” We both laughed. I was both moved and a bit shocked by his candor. “Christians believe there is one truth and one good way -- Jesus Christ,” he stated. “A lot of people think that’s arrogant, but it’s the truth.” He then continued, “Why would I say, ‘Whatever, Tim, do what you want,’ if I really cared about you and loved you as a friend?”

He reminded me that I’d opened up the subject -- that proselytizing was no longer the way of Exodus and the ex-gay movement. “If you want to ask where I think we’ve been wrong,” he said, “it’s been by trying to push an issue down somebody’s throat.”

I joked that he’d better mind his language. But he didn’t laugh. “I won’t go there,” he said.

And I wouldn’t either.

The Advocate: A Muslim First (April 23)

April 23, 2008
A Muslim First
Filmmaker Parvez Sharma gives a first-person account of making his new documentary, A Jihad for Love, about homosexuality in the Islamic faith and how his commitment to his faith and his desire to show the world another side of Islam brought him to his own jihad.

As the director of A Jihad for Love -- the world's first documentary to take a close look at Islam and homosexuality -- I am coming out as a Muslim man. My gay identity is secondary. Queer cinema is filled with stories of gays and lesbians revealing their sexuality, but my film is about people revealing their religion. With this film, the story of a 1,428-year-old religion is told by its most unlikely storytellers -- gay and lesbian Muslims.

Making this film and finding subjects who would be willing to share their stories with me was a "jihad" (struggle) in itself. In many of the cases it took me years to convince the subjects to participate, and I had to build relationships of mutual trust with them. What made it easier and certainly worth the challenge was that I was a Muslim like my subjects and we had much in common because of the backgrounds we came from. The entire process took six years of my life -- and these six years I cherish dearly for everything they taught me, not just about my own Islam but of the universal jihad, or struggle, to belong.

This film tries to construct the first real and comprehensive image of these unlikely creatures -- to be P.C., gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and queer Muslims -- and it is forcing many audiences to realize that these terms are a Western construct. Let me be clear: None of these categories means anything to many of my friends living in Cairo or Islamabad. If anything, the languages they speak -- Farsi, Arabic, Urdu, Punjabi, and Bengali -- have very few words of affirmation to describe the "odd" and "unnatural" behaviors, so to speak, that we indulge in. The cinematic representation of these complex identities therefore has come with many of the challenges of almost developing a new language.

It is a little-known fact that a sexual revolution of immense proportions came to the earliest Muslims, some 1,300 years before the West had even "thunk" it. This promise of equal gender rights and, unlike in the Bible, the stress on sex as not just reproductive but also enjoyable within the confines of marriage have all but been lost in the rhetoric spewing from loudspeakers perched on masjids (mosques) in Riyadh, Marrakech, and Islamabad. The same Islam that has for centuries not only tolerated but also openly celebrated homosexuality is today used to justify a state-sanctioned program against gay men in Egypt -- America's "enlightened" friend in the Middle East.

When in New York I often wonder how the lives of the subjects in this film would strike the consciousness of, for example, a Chelsea boy. Traveling to more than 10 countries with the film in the last few months has made me wonder about the absence of religion within "gay" lives. Clearly, spirituality can provide a kind of freedom. But it is also clear that for too many of us religion has not remained an option.

For the last six years, I have found myself immersed in the souls and spirits of the people who have shared their lives and their most private moments with my camera. Sometimes when I look at the footage of the gay Iranian refugees who have almost no material or spiritual support or the gay man who was tortured in an Egyptian prison for two years, I feel a tremendous disconnect. Growing up in worlds not very dissimilar to theirs, I know I understand and can empathize -- but knowing that I sit in America or in Europe working in the film world, I feel a sense of tremendous emptiness. This disconnect is similar to what a filmmaker feels when real people and real relationships turn into two-dimensional characters in a movie.

Sometimes in these worlds, traveling with my American Jewish producer and others, I feel we could be at the edge of some kind of revolution within Islam. As a Muslim, I know that this could be my jihad. But then the disconnects come and haunt me at night. Yet whenever the gay imam in the film, Muhsin, or the Egyptian refugee, Mazen, join us, the dots all seem to connect very well.

For any filmmaker who sets out to make a work that is intensely personal, the process is emotionally overwhelming. As a gay Muslim myself, I had a sense of shared struggle and shared pain with all of the subjects. While the camera was on (I was the primary camera operator) there was always an exchange of emotion between me and them. It was my hope that our mutual histories, cultures, and struggles would translate to the screen. I cannot think of another way of working when you are examining a community where the silence has been so loud and so overwhelming.

I never sought government permission in any of the countries where I filmed because I knew it would not have been granted. What was always foremost in my mind was the safety of these beautiful human beings, these devout Muslims whose lives I was documenting. I took extreme precautions to make sure that the tapes I shot were always safe. I would always record "tourist-like" footage at the beginning and end of a tape, and I would always store the tapes in my check-in baggage, with a prayer. Security staff at airports in fundamentalist regimes (the United States being a good example at this time) are not the friendliest people. I did have a difficult time in some countries because filming such profound human stories is hard for anyone, but at the same time I knew that I was filming while I was essentially there as a tourist. The countries that were easiest to film in were Turkey and of course India, my home country. In both these nations, which have significant Muslim populations (India has the second-largest Muslim population in the world, after Indonesia, and Turkey is 99% Muslim), the attitudes toward homosexuality are definitely more open than in others, and people accept the idea that there is a spectrum of human sexuality.

One personal challenge in making this film was to keep my deep respect for and belief in my faith paramount. Sharing some of the stories of condemnation, of isolation, of pain, would make it easy to issue a blanket critique of Islam. I knew that as a Muslim I could not allow myself to fall into the trap of being an apologist for my faith, joining the bandwagon of post-9/11 Islamophobes. I knew that I had to be a defender of the faith as a Muslim filmmaker and at the same time engage in a critique of what I knew was wrong in orthodox Islam's condemnation of homosexuality. I have always said that I made this film with a Muslim lens, as a Muslim filmmaker who also happens to be gay. Too many films about Islam right now are made by Western, non-Muslim filmmakers, which while commendable is also problematic -- in a world that now largely perceives Islam as a problematic monolith. Currently our religion is under attack from within (from an extremist fringe) and from without (by governments and media only focusing on the violence). Islam needs us to step out as Muslim artists and take back the discussion of our faith.

Our last battles of acceptance remain to be fought on the front lines of religion. With our "jihad for love" we bring Islam out of the closet.

The Advocate: Gay Unions Healthier than Straight (Jan 17)

SUMMARY: Same-sex couples are more flexible about gender roles,
parenting and household responsibilities, a University of San Diego
study finds.

A recent University of San Diego study revealed some discoveries
that demonstrate how same-sex relationships may be healthier than
straight ones, according to an article by United Press
International.

The study found that couples in same-sex relationships were more
flexible in terms of gender roles, parenting and household
responsibilities.

It also found that lesbian couples are emotionally closer than gay
male couples, who, in turn, are emotionally closer than heterosexual
married couples.

"It all comes down to greater equality in the relationship, " Robert-
Jay Green of Alliant International University's Rockway Institute
said to UPI. "Research shows that lesbian and gay couples have a
head start in escaping the traditional gender role divisions that
make for power imbalances and dissatisfaction in many heterosexual
relationships. "

According to the article, the researches concluded, "heterosexual
couples could learn from gay couples about sharing housework and
child care, using softer communication in conflict, and having more
nurturing behaviors toward one another and their children." (The
Advocate)

The Advocate: Holiday Stress Levels Higher for Lesbians Than Straight Women (Dec 19)

Holiday Stress Levels Higher for Lesbians Than Straight Women

Lesbians tend to be more stressed and depressed during the holidays than straight women, according to a survey conducted by market research firm Harris Interactive and Witeck-Combs Communications.

The survey found that 80% of lesbian adults felt more stress around the holidays, compared with 64% of heterosexual women. And while 51% of lesbians said they tend to feel more depressed around the holidays, only 36% of straight women did.

“Estrangement from family, marginalization within and isolation from society, separation from children (sometimes due to custody battles), and inadequate access to culturally sensitive health care practitioners are all factors that can adversely affect mood during a season so identified with family activities and belonging,“ Linda Spooner, a Washington, D.C., physician, said in a press release.

Smoking is also a greater problem for lesbians, according to the survey. Twenty-five percent of lesbians said they smoked, compared with 19% of heterosexual women. Half of the straight women polled said they would try to quit smoking in the next year, while only 23% of lesbians said they would try to stop. (The Advocate)

The Advocate: Singapore stops singing gay tune (Aug 30)

Singapore stops singing gay tune

Southeast Asia's rising gay scene was dealt a major blow when Singapore authorities rejected what was to be the fifth annual gay and lesbian party in the city-state. The three-day Nation party, organized by Asia's largest gay and lesbian network, Fridae.com, was originally scheduled to coincide with the country's National Day in August, but Singapore authorities turned down the license, saying the event is "contrary to public interest." The circuit-type event, which attracted over 8,000 revelers to Singapore last year, will now be held in Phuket, Thailand, November 4-6. "The Nation party is evolving with the circumstances, and we hope for it to be truly an event where gays and lesbians from all over the world can come together and celebrate their diversity and take pride in their community." says Stuart Koe, CEO of Fridae.com.

The Advocate: HIV infections climbing among Singapore's gay men

HIV infections climbing among Singapore's gay men

Government statistics on HIV infections in Singapore show that the number of gay men affected by HIV is rising, Agence France-Presse reports. In 2000, 12 new HIV cases were reported among gay men, but by 2003 that number had jumped to 40 cases. In the first six months of this year, 31 new HIV infections were reported among gay men.

Heterosexual sex still accounts for about 65% of all new HIV infections in Singapore, according to the government statistics. Gay men account for about 23% of new infections, and bisexual men account for about 8%.