Curve: Our Films, Our Selves

Written by: Diane Anderson-Minshall

Almost 3 million people watched Sambal Belacan, Madeleine Lim’s award-winning documentary about three Asian women making a home in the United States. The attention was nothing new for Singaporean-born, San Francisco-based director who runs the Queer Women of Color Media Arts Project. The wildly successful QWOCMAP trains women of color to make films and then helps get those films in front of viewers. Lim talks to CURVE about her work and fostering the careers of other queer women.

What has surprised you most about your QWOCMAP experience?

I’m definitely surprised by how successful QWOCMAP is. We have expanded exponentially from year to year. The demand for the training program has been incredible, to the point where we maintain a waitlist for interested participants. By the end of this year, a total of 35 short films will have been completed through the training program. That’s 35 films made by and about queer women of color, going out to film festivals all over the world. Our screenings are packed. Which is why we’re expanding our exhibition program to weekend-long screenings. The training program was awarded the 2003 Best Video Program by the San Francisco Community Media Festival. Last week, I was awarded — as artistic director of QWOCMAP — a certificate of honor by the San Francisco Board of Supervisors, in public recognition of distinction and merit for outstanding service to the people of San Francisco. The level of excitement generated by community and funders alike has been phenomenal.

Besides Sambal Belacan and Shades of Grey, you did a film on homelessness, right? What other films have you done?

The video on homeless youth was called Youth Organizing: Power Through Art. In 2002, I made a documentary that traces the history and development of San Francisco’s Chinatown called A Vision of Smart Growth. I made an experimental short, which world-premiered at the San Francisco lesbian and gay film festival this year called Dragon Desire. I’m currently editing a documentary on the experiences of Afghan youth living in California. I’m also seeking funds for several documentaries. One project is about the experiences of newly arrived immigrant Chinese mothers and their daughters. Another project documents the lesbian of color movement in Europe, starting with a French group called the Sixth November Group. I also have a narrative script in development about the experiences of lesbians of color living in 1850 gold rush era California.

Can you tell me a bit more about QWOCMAP?

The objective of Queer Women of Color Media Arts Project is to build a vibrant and diverse community of queer women of color filmmakers in the San Francisco Bay Area. The lives and experiences of queer women of color — lesbians and bi-sexual women who are Asian, Pacific Islander, Middle Eastern, Latina, Chicana, Native American, African American — are seldom heard or seen in mainstream cinema. Who will tell our stories if we don’t? So what QWOCMAP does is put filmmaking tools into the hands of queer women of color so that we can tell our own stories, and address the social and political issues pertinent to our diverse communities. The more films there are, the more images that reflect our real lives, the better.

How do you do that?

QWOCMAP promotes the creation and exhibition of films and videos by queer women of color through our two programs: the training program and the exhibition program. The training program is a free 16-week long digital-film production workshop that is offered to queer women of color. I believe in demystifying technology for my students. Because of economic issues, and survival issues, queer women of color don’t think to go into film or media, or we don’t have access to that technology. Participants learn major aspects of screenwriting, directing and video production, from conception of project idea to movie distribution — lots of hands-on exercises. The workshop culminates with individual projects that are written, directed and edited by the participants. Topics covered include development of idea, writing a script, storyboards, creating a shotlist, cinematography, continuity, lighting, sound, directing actors, managing crew, editing, film festivals and distribution.

Called the Queer Woman of Color Film Night, our exhibition program showcases the completed video projects annually during the San Francisco Queer Arts Festival every June. The screening is free and always packed, with standing room only, typically over 300 people. The atmosphere and sense of community is really incredible — watching new filmmakers experiencing public acknowledgment and love for their creative work from an extremely supportive audience! For 2005, we hope expand our one evening of film screening into the first [annual] Queer Women of Color Film Festival, a weekend-long affair. Fingers crossed on getting funding for it.

You have a very multicultural background — how does that work to your advantage in filmmaking?

Ethnically, I’m mostly Chinese, with some Malay, Indian, and Portuguese mixed in. I was born and raised in Singapore, with a stepfather who is German. My own journey in self-acceptance definitely informs my filmmaking. I definitely do not shy away from exploring the complexities in our society, and subsequently to convey those same complexities through film by interweaving different elements that can best tell that story and the issues involved. My films tend to be mixed-genre and pushes at traditional filmic boundaries. I find the traditional narrative form or the traditional documentary form somewhat limiting in terms of fully expressing my experiences. I weave scripted scenes, found footage, poetry and dance into a documentary, so that the final mixed-genre form is more able to fully express my vision.

What was it like coming out in Singapore?

Hard and challenging. I attended an all-girls convent school. I had my first girlfriend when I was 15 and I almost got expelled from school at 16, in 1980, for being a lesbian. I was constantly pulled out of my class and interrogated by the teachers and the principal about how unnatural lesbianism was, how I should use make-up, how I should date boys.

My girlfriend and I were literally forced to break up. There were no women’s support groups, no LGBT support groups, no books, no information, nothing. I literally had to re-invent the wheel for myself. I finally came out to my mum at 19. At 21, I ran an underground lesbian feminist newsletter for two years and tried to organize a lesbian community. That effort really came from trying not to feel isolated and alienated as a lesbian. After the Singapore government arrested dissenting citizens, I left for the U.S.

Do you have to struggle to get your lesbian identity validated in Singapore? How about your Asian identity among American lesbians?

Being a lesbian in Singapore today is very different than it was in
1980. Young lesbians, especially the butches, are very visible everywhere. There are organized sports for lesbians, lesbian nightclubs and email listservs for lesbians. Information is available literally at the tip of your fingers through the Internet. The last time I was in Singapore in 1999, I didn’t have to struggle to get my lesbian identity validated.

I’m extremely fortunate to live in San Francisco where a third of the population is Asian or Asian American. The community that is closest to my heart is of course the Asian Pacific Islander queer women’s community. There are tons of API queer women’s ethnic organizations here: Japanese, Mandarin speakers, Vietnamese, Singaporean and Malaysian, Filipino, South Asian, Middle Eastern — the list goes on. Asian American lesbians have been extremely supportive! So I feel totally at home here in San Francisco. The issue for me is less about being an Asian than it is about being an immigrant in the U.S. and feeling like I belong and included here.

What are your hopes for lesbian filmmaking in the future overall?

Film and video is such a powerful medium — visually and emotionally. It is the means by which we see reflections of ourselves. It is the means through which we understand our quests for self, community, the tangible and intangible world around us.

Films are all about fantasies. Fantasy of the perfect romance.
Fantasy of the ideal parents. Fantasy of the best childhood. The question is, “Whose fantasies get to go up on the big screen?” I personally have never been able to identify with any of the characters in most films. My hope is to see the lives of queer women of color reflected on the silver screen. I want to see films that tell the stories of lesbians of color from center stage, instead of having our experiences relegated to the sidelines, or worse yet, completely non-existent. I would love to see a sexy, sizzling, romantic comedy between two lesbian of color characters! Soon!

Newsintercom.org: Madeleine Lim: A Singaporean Lesbian Filmmaker

Madeleine Lim: A Singaporean Lesbian Filmmaker

Madeleine Lim is a Singaporean film maker now living in San Francisco. Her recent film, Sambal Belacan in San Francisco, just had its world premier in the San Francisco International Lesbian and Gay Film Festival in June 1997 and generated a lot of interest. Sintercom talks to Madeleine about her family, about living in the US, about her film and about her lesbianism.

Tell us a little about yourself and your family.

My mother is born in China and adopted by Singaporean parents when she was six. My dad is from Malacca. He is Baba -- half Chinese, and the other half a mixture of Malay, Indian and Portuguese. My parents separated when I was nine and my mother then re-married. My step-father is half German and half Spanish. I lived with them until I was 23 and then I left Singapore. They now live in Kazakhstan and run a very successful travel agency there.

I studied in the Convent of Holy Infant Jesus for primary and secondary school. I then went to Catholic Junior College and finished my diploma in the College of Physical Education. I recently finished my BA in Cinema Productions in San Francisco State University.

Why did you leave for the US at 23?

While in Singapore, I had been talking with friends about living more "out," living my lesbianism as a normal and full part of my life instead of being limited to just maybe one bar and a small circle of friends. I wanted a lesbian community around me to organize within, to be an active part of. Since that was not possible in Singapore, I decided to explore other countries. I left just one month after graduating from the College of Physical Education.

I meant to stay in the US for only two and a half months but ended up staying two and a half years. I landed in New York and travel by land across the country, checking all things lesbian on the way. I checked out things like lesbian community, bars, restaurants, publications, cafes... I didn't go to all the states -- skipped the southern states because I didn't want to deal with their racism. I also explored California, moving from Los Angeles to Santa Cruz to San Francisco. I knew I wanted to come to San Francisco because I heard there is a large lesbian community there. This traveling took a whole year. Before my US trip, I have also checked out lesbian communities in other European cities like London, Paris, and various parts of Spain, Italy and Germany. I didn't want to stay there because of the language barrier and also because there were few Asians there.

When I got to San Francisco, I thought it was great. I wrote to my friends asking them to come. One year later, one came and several years later, another came. We sometimes get together to talk about Singapore and our homesickness.

Many people think of homosexuality as western moral degeneracy. Do you agree?

I think homosexuality in Asian culture goes back as far as European cultures if not further. Its whether we want to acknowledge it or not. It is well documented, for example, in Chinese and Indian culture. As far as having lesbians and gays in Singapore, I don't think it is something that we can blame on western decadence. People who say that it is a western import do so because they don't want to acknowledge their own ignorance or stereotyping of homosexuals. So, instead of dealing with their own attitude, they blame it on the west.

Have you experienced homophobia when you were in Singapore? Do you think Singaporeans are homophobic?

The most negative experience was when I was in secondary school, I almost got thrown out of school because one of the teachers in the school found out I was a lesbian and soon all the teachers knew. They said things like: "homosexuality is abnormal, you are a good student, you must not be a lesbian." I was basically not allowed to spend time with my girl friend at the time, by parent, teachers and councilors. It was that attitude that was very damaging to me. Struggling to keep my sanity through all of that, with no one to confide in and talk to, was the most traumatic part.

I finally told my mom I am a lesbian when I was nineteen. I did that because I wanted to share that part of my life with her. From that time on, I came out to my friends and lecturers at the College of Physical Education. I was very outspoken about lesbian issues. I ran an lesbian publication for two years and tried to build whatever community I could. For me, I think that people who thought my lesbianism was problematic just stayed away.

Homophobia is much more subtle and implied in Singapore whereas it is more extreme in the US. In Singapore, people will make comments like: "are you a boy or a girl?", and look at you if you're holding hands with another woman. In the US, there are domestic partnership laws and health benefits at work for your same-sex partner but you're also more likely to be beaten up with a baseball bat for being gay. I think Singaporeans are no more or less homophobic than people from other countries. I don't want to generalize, but the only thing that matters in Singapore is the limited access to lesbian and gay literature and support, and that does affects how people view homosexuality. If access to information is easier, they may be a little more understanding.

When did you first thought of making the film Sambal Belacan in San Francisco?

When one of my close friend came to the US, she added a sense of family to my daily life. Living in San Francisco, my lesbian sexuality was validated but not my Singapore identity. When she moved to San Francisco we constantly talked about what home meant to us and where that was. Since then, I have been toying with the idea of making a film that reflects our daily life. I didn't want to focus on just one person, me, but want to present different Singaporeans' experiences. I started writing the script in the fall of 95 and started production in February 96. I finished the film just in time for the film festival.

What are the themes of this film?

There are three main themes: The first is lesbian sexuality and our struggles with our families. Our families all know, but one refuses to face it, another is very accepting, and mine, well, my attitude is: this is who I am, they just have to deal.

The second theme is immigration, especially about immigrants of colour living in the US and the anti-immigrant climate prevalent now, how unwanted we are made to feel, and how despite this we try to build a community and home for ourselves.

The last theme is cultural identity, how we try to live and celebrate all that we are, being Singaporean and being lesbians, without internalizing the pressure to assimilate into the dominant American culture.

Feminism is also an important part of this film. There is this scene in the film where I shot two women's naked and entwined body from the foot slowly up to the head. While this is happening, the audience is seeing these female bodies as sex objects, but when the camera reaches their head, they look back at the audience as if they had been interrupted and intruded upon. This act of looking back at the audience make the audience aware that they themselves had been caught in the process of objectifying the bodies on the screen.

In this film, I try to expand the boundary of traditional documentary film making by making it more intimate, less like a formal interviewer-interviewee format, and by including scripted scene, poetry and news reel footage.

Film making is expensive. Where did you find the money to do it?

I started without any money. Then I applied for and received two academic scholarship. One from Markwoski-Leach scholarship for outstanding lesbian and gay students, the other from the Uncommon Legacy Foundation for outstanding lesbian students. They each gave me $1,000. I later received grants from the Frameline Film and Video Completion fund and the Asian American Arts Foundation. The Frameline fund is a prestigious national award and I was one of the five recipient this year. I also raised $4,000 from within the lesbian communities in San Francisco, KL, and Singapore and by doing garage sale and giving screening parties of my earlier film. The whole film costs $16,000 so I'm still hoping that more money will come in.

You mentioned an earlier film. What other films have you made?

Before Sambal Belacan, I completed Shades of Grey in January 96. It is a short seven-minute film about lesbian domestic violence. So far it has been shown in seven major film festival in five different countries.

I also completed a video documentary, Youth Organizing Power Through Art, in June 96. I was commissioned by the Berkeley-Oakland Support Services (BOSS - a non-profit organisation helping the homeless find housing and job) to make this video about a group of low-income homeless youths of colour who came together to create art and learn about helping each other and themselves.

After San Francisco, where else will you show this film?

Quite a few film festival organisers around the world have already requested a copy. They are the Vancouver International Film Festival, New York Experimental Lesbian and Gay Film Festival, Hawaii Lesbian and Gay Film Festival and a Hong Kong film festival. It is great to have so much positive response in such a short time.

I haven't talked to anyone yet about showing it in Singapore or Malaysia but I want to do so, especially to show it in the Singapore Short Film Festival.

Do you envision any problems showing this film in Singapore?

Yes. Because of the lesbian content and also because it critiques the Singaporean mentality on race, which is a sensitive topic. There are still a lot of negative connotations associated with lesbianism. I grew up in a convent school where we always heard rumours about some girl who hang out in the women's bathroom trying to kiss other girls who go there, and other such ignorant and negative images of what lesbianism is about. The film examines each of the three women on a personal level where you get to hear their stories and some of the struggles around coming out as a lesbian in Singapore, despite growing up in a very unsupportive environment. One of the women in the film is a Eurasian lesbian who got teased about her hair, lips and skin colour while growing up. Her father made her study Mandarin from primary one because he thought it would help her fit in. But in her experience, it did not matter whether she spoke Mandarin, she was judged immediately by the way she looked. However, I would love to have a public screening in Singapore. I think it would be the ultimate celebration for this film.

Have you thought of returning to live in Singapore?

Yes! I am eligible to apply for US citizenship but have not done so because I don't want to give up my Singapore citizenship. I'm just not prepared to do so. I still think of coming back although only my sister live in Singapore now with her French husband. My feelings for Singapore is always double edged: I was born and grew up there so I feel that I'm Singaporean; but my cultural heritage is very different from everyone else and people don't understand me, so I also feel like an outsider. I am biologically part Chinese, but heritage wise, I'm of mixed heritage. I don't call myself Eurasian because that has a different culture.

This has to do with having a German step-father since I was nine. We stopped visiting my mother's family because they disapproved of her divorcing and marrying an Ang Moh. Growing up, it was normal practice to have wine with our meal. I grew up practicing both European and Chinese customs. Chinese Singaporeans always assume I'm Chinese, but when they find out my upbringing is different from theirs, they think, "Oh, you're not one of us."

So you will make your next film in Singapore?

Oh yes, definitely! If I can get the money for the film, it will be shot in Singapore. I'm planning a colour feature length film next about a coming of age story of girls in a convent school.

Thanks for letting us do this interview and good luck. If anyone wants to talk to Madeleine or invest in her next film, you can contact her at:

US phone: (415) 752-0868
US address: 59 Cook St, San Francisco, CA 94118

Interviewed by Tan Chong Kee 14 July 1997
Copyright 1997 All rights reserved.