ST: 'Mum asked if I could change ...but how to change something as basic as being gay?'

'Mum asked if I could change ...but how to change something as basic as being gay?'

Jim Chow, 32 In the light of the Prime Minister's revelation that the Government is employing openly homosexual people, one gay Singaporean tells THERESA TAN about his 'coming out' experience.

When he was nine, Mr Jim Chow remembers watching Taiwanese movie legends Lin Ching-hsia and Chin Han romance each other on the big screen. Then in Primary 3, he would wonder: Ching-hsia's pretty, but why do I find Chin Han attractive too? A couple of years later, while still in primary school, he chanced on Oscar Wilde's The Importance Of Being Earnest. While the play is not about homosexuals, he found the literary classic intriguing enough to want to read up on the author. 'It was then that I found out Wilde was a homosexual, and I identified my feelings as being homosexual ones.'

Unlike the 19th century Irish wit, who was jailed for being gay, Mr Chow, 32, said he has never felt discriminated against in Singapore, except in one instance 'some time back'. He was working out in a gym with his partner, when someone called him a 'faggot', a derogatory term for homosexual.

He is very thankful for Prime Minister Goh Chok Tong's recent revelation that the Government is now more open to employing gay people and that with time, more people would accept them. Out and proud of his sexuality, Mr Chow 'came out' to his mother when he was 18, in his second year of junior college. That was when he started dating. The late nights and long telephone calls got his Cantonese-speaking mother asking him some rather pointed questions. He said: 'My mum would ask why I had so many guy friends calling. I said I had many guy friends.

Over time, the questions got more specific. 'One night, she asked me if I liked guys, and I said yes.' Mrs Chow, who accepts her son's sexuality but declined to be interviewed, could not believe what her second youngest child told her at first. His four siblings are straight. A divorcee with five children, the 50-something Chinese-educated beauty salon owner thought homosexuality was something abhorrent and an illness. Mr Chow said: 'She went through a denial stage, and then there was a 'let's fix it' stage. 'She asked if I could change. She asked what went wrong. She was worried what people would think of me and also her. 'I told her I was sure of my sexual orientation and it was here to stay. I rationalised with her. How could you change something so basic?'

It took her a few months but she accepted that fact and, over time, has met some of his boyfriends. In fact, she once went on a holiday with him and a boyfriend. Now, she has meals at least once a week with him and his partner, a 30-year-old information technology professional. During Chinese New Year festivals and other special occasions, his partner is invited home and is treated as part of the family. He has always been very open about his sexuality with relatives, friends and colleagues, he told The Sunday Times. For example, he said, his friends from school and some of his teachers knew he was gay.

He went to a top boys' school and graduated from university here, but declined to name the schools. He said: 'I never pretended I was straight. I never pretended to have girlfriends. 'Once you get to know people, even in working relationships, eventually they will ask the right questions to find out.' But some of his relatives are too embarrassed to ask him about such matters or broach the subject gingerly. 'During wedding dinners, some relatives ask: When's my turn? I tell them I'm never going to marry and they get the picture.'

Mr Chow, who has worked in five different companies in sales and marketing jobs, said that his colleagues have never been bothered by his sexuality. 'Most people are quite cool about it or they don't care. As long as you perform in your capacity, I don't think they are very concerned about your sexuality. 'And if someone asks point-blank if I'm gay, I tell them point-blank. If they hint at it, I hint right back.' He has no qualms about reaching for his partner's hand in public. 'I'm not very self-conscious in that way,' he said. 'I've other things to think about, like work, paying bills, health.'

An articulate man who loves to read and exercise, he admits he probably has it easier than most of his gay friends. 'Coming out is not a bed of roses for most gay men I know but most of their parents never gave them a really rough time either. Although some parents are in perpetual denial about the issue.' While he feels most straight Singaporeans have been tolerant towards homosexuals, he does not believe the Prime Minister's revelation in an interview in Time magazine, reported on July 4, would result in a flood of gay people coming out of the closet. 'People are still fearful of doing so and dealing with the issue. It takes more than one man in the highest office to change that fear overnight.'

ST: About the 'new' gay tolerance in Singapore

About the 'new' gay tolerance in Singapore

Prime Minister Goh Chok Tong dropped something of a small bombshell this week when he revealed to Time magazine that the Singapore Government had changed its policy on hiring homosexuals in the civil service. 'In the past, if we know you're gay, we would not employ you,' he said. 'But we just changed this quietly. We know you are. We'll employ you,' he revealed.

The Government does not seem to have adopted quite the same policy as the United States military's 'don't ask, don't tell', but the effect is analogous. Gay people do not have to declare their sexual orientation - nobody in Singapore is required to, actually - but Mr Goh seemed to suggest it would be best if they did, so as to avoid being blackmailed, especially those in sensitive positions. 'Disclose, and we won't bother' would seem to encapsulate the new policy.

This newspaper welcomes the change. As the Prime Minister explained, broader changes in the laws regarding homosexuality will have to await changes in the beliefs and attitudes of what remains, by and large, a conservative society, but this is a step in the right direction. Homosexual acts will still remain an offence - but as everyone knows, these sections of the Criminal Code are not strictly enforced. Singaporeans are not about to witness gay parades or festivals - but as everyone knows, private gatherings of the gay community are not prohibited. And the Government is not going to institute in the near future a strict anti-discrimination policy towards homosexuals - similar, say to anti-discrimination policies on the grounds of race or religion - but as Mr Goh made clear, the Government itself will not discriminate against gays, and large segments of the private sector have long ceased to make an issue of it.

No homosexual in Singapore is starving because of his or her homosexuality; no homosexual is jobless because of his or her sexual orientation. What Singapore has, de facto if not de jure, is a live-and-let-live attitude towards homosexuality. 'So let it evolve,' as Mr Goh put it, 'and in time, the population will understand that some people are born that way. We are born this way and they are born that way, but they are like you and me.' Some American studies have suggested that as much as 10 per cent of any population is homosexual. In all probability - the science on this is not settled - homosexuality is as genetically determined as heterosexuality, or one's height, for that matter.

Ethically and logically, it is as untenable to exclude people on the basis of their sexual orientation as it is to exclude them on the basis of the shape of their noses or the colour of their hair. If it is 'natural' to have snub proboscis as it is to have high ones, it is as 'natural' to be a heterosexual as it is to be a homosexual. There is no one model of the natural; nature is by definition various. Why should anyone be faulted simply for possessing certain traits - of gender, race, sexual orientation, or inherited disability, or even body type - over which they had no control? 'Blaming' someone for being homosexual is equivalent to faulting that person for simply existing. But this is not a position that everyone would agree with. Many religions - or more precisely, segments of many religions - explicitly prohibit homosexuality.

These views are sincerely held, and no society, not even avowedly secular ones like the US, can ignore them. If Western Europe, Canada and Australia are any indication, attitudes towards homosexuality will change in the long term. But the process cannot be forced.

IHT: Quietly, Singapore lifts its ban on hiring gays

By Wayne Arnold

SINGAPORE:: With its export-driven economy winding down, Singapore's government has quietly lifted restrictions on hiring homosexuals as part of a broader effort to shake the city-state's repressive reputation and foster the kind of lifestyles common to cities whose entrepreneurial dynamism Singapore would like to emulate.

Prime Minister Goh Chok Tong initially divulged the policy in an interview with Time magazine's Asia edition, excerpts of which were published this week in the magazine's July 7 issue and carried by news organizations here Friday.

"In the past, if we know you're gay, we would not employ you, but we just changed this quietly," Goh told his interviewer, according to a transcript obtained from Singapore authorities.

Singapore has a vibrant gay and lesbian community. But gay sex is illegal and the government has yet to officially recognize any organization for homosexuals. Despite a proliferation of bars and saunas catering to the gay community, therefore, homosexuality still remains largely taboo.

Books and films with homosexual themes are banned. When HBO airs its "Six Feet Under" television series here, most scenes dealing with the homosexuality of one of the main characters are excised.

"It's a good, tiny step forward," said Russell Heng, a fellow at the government-run Institute of Southeast Asian Studies and a co-founder of a local gay support group, People Like Us. "The leaders of this country are very sensible and they are cosmopolitan. And so I think that basically there is an awareness there that you've got to allow for diversity."

Goh said the government's policies reflected the conservatism of the majority of its constituents. In addition to a traditionally Confucian ethnic Chinese minority, Singapore also has a sizable Muslim Malay minority whose religion condemns homosexuality.

Goh said it was because of this remaining conservatism that the government did not amend the law against gay sex.

But he said that attitudes were evolving and that the government was becoming more open to homosexuals.

Gay people have long worked within Singapore's civil service, although apparently not openly.

Goh indicated that the government's new policy was to allow homosexuals to occupy even "sensitive positions" in the civil service provided they disclosed their sexual preference.

"If you're discovered by somebody else, then he can blackmail you," he said. "You have to openly declare and people know you're gay. Then, you can't be blackmailed."

Singapore's openness to homosexuality has been evolving for years, as leaders extolled the virtues of diversity and tolerance. Such rhetoric has become routine in speeches designed to convince the local population of the need for so-called "foreign talent."

Though they may fear that foreigners will take the best jobs, Singaporeans are told that overseas professionals are essential to introducing new skills to Singapore's economy.

Economic prosperity has cost Singapore much of the manufacturing competitiveness that was crucial for its success. China's seemingly inexorable rise as a manufacturing base for high-tech goods has further hurt Singapore.

But as Singapore chased the tech boom in the late 1990s and, more recently, biotechnology, it discovered to its dismay that years of authoritarian rule have largely extinguished the average Singaporeans willingness to take risks, to be entrepreneurial.

Official hope that foreign professionals will, in addition to investment, trade and technology, breathe the entrepreneurial spirit back into Singapore.

Recent efforts to reinvent Singapore's economic structure, therefore, have also included an emphasis on making Singapore a lifestyle capital.

Censorship rules have been eased, if not eliminated. The same government that banned the importation of chewing gum and Cosmopolitan magazine has become a booster for such ephemeral civic qualities as courtesy, spontaneity, creativity and fun.

Still, as recently as 2000, the government rejected an application by People Like Us to hold a forum on gays in Singapore. And in his interview with Time, Goh said that the government would still not allow a gay parade.

But Goh also seemed to signal that further changes were to come.

"So let it evolve and in time to come, the population will understand that some people are born that way," he said in the Time interview. "We are born this way and they are born that way but they are like you and me."

BBC News: Singapore eases gay ban

Singapore eases gay ban
Singapore has begun employing homosexuals within the government, in a reversal of its previous policy, the prime minister has told an American magazine.

Gay people are now allowed to work in "certain positions in government", Prime Minister Goh Chok Tong said in an interview with Time magazine, excerpts of which were released by his office.

"In the past, if we know you're gay, we would not employ you but we just changed this quietly," he told the magazine.

However he said that homosexual acts would remain illegal in the country.

Conservative pressure

Mr Goh says gay people will have to declare their sexual orientation in job application forms.

He said the requirement was for the applicants' own protection.

"If you are working in a sensitive position and you're trying to hide your sexual preferences and instinct... if you're discovered by somebody else, then he can blackmail you," he said.

It is not clear when this new policy was introduced, and Mr Goh did not say what jobs homosexuals could take.

Mr Goh also said that, although the government had relaxed its stance with regard to government jobs, Singapore would still not consider decriminalising homosexuality.

He said this was due to pressure from religious groups, and from a majority of Singaporeans.

"The heartlanders are still conservative. You can call it double-standard," he said.

"And for the Muslims, it's religion, it's not the law. Islam openly says the religion is against gay practice."

'Relaxed attitude'

Gay rights groups have responded with cautious optimism to the announcement.

Russell Heng, a researcher and founding member of People Like Us, a gay support group, told Singapore's Straits Times newspaper he hoped for more dialogue with the government.

"We need to have less hang-ups about discussing this issue," he said.

Time magazine also said the Singapore Government was relaxing its attitudes towards gays in an attempt to attract foreign professionals, and to keep talented locals working in the state.

It also said that gay saunas and bars had also emerged in some of Singapore's neighbourhoods.

AFP: Singapore firm claims cure for HIV, but told to hold tests

Singapore firm claims cure for HIV, but told to hold tests

January 21 2003

A Singaporean pharmaceutical firm specialising in traditional Chinese medicine said today that it was ready to test and market pills that can cure the virus that causes AIDS.

Richard Ong, managing director of Herose Pharma International, said trials conducted on AIDS patients in Cambodia five years ago using pills originally designed for skin disorders yielded positive results.

"We did some testing on AIDS patients in Cambodia in 1998," Ong told AFP.

"We found that it is positive ... the patients experienced recovery in their conditions," he said.

But health officials in the city-state have warned the company to hold off on planned human trials until it gets official permission.

The AIDS sufferers in Cambodia who took part in the testing experienced healthier appetites and became stronger after taking the pills used in treating psoriasis, a skin disorder that causes red scaly patches, Ong said.

The medication was developed by Tang Jianhua, a Chinese doctor, he said.

"It is his heart's desire to cure HIV," Ong said, referring to Human Immuno-deficiency Virus which leads to the deadly Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome.

But the company's attempt to carry out similar trials in Singapore has hit a glitch as it does not yet have approval from health authorities.

The company, which placed advertisements earlier this month asking HIV-positive volunteers to participate in a trial, has been ordered by the Health Sciences Authority (HSA) to stop doing so, Ong said.

"We really do not know (it was against the law) as it was just a clinical study," he said.

HSA officials could not be reached for comment but a spokesman was quoted in the Straits Times newspaper today as saying that "the company has not commenced the trial and was only starting to recruit volunteers".

"HSA has ordered the company to stop its advertisement as well as any other recruitment," the spokesman said.

The HSA last year ordered a Chinese-made diet pill to be taken off the market after it was linked to one death and several cases of serious illness.

The Straits Times said local AIDS activists were sceptical of the company's claims.

AFP

Fridae.com: Gay and lesbian teen life

Gay and lesbian teen life (personal essays)

In our third and last instalment, a lesbian from Hong Kong and a gay man from Singapore share their experiences about their teenage years--a 28-year-old lesbian student from Hong Kong and a 22-year-old gay student from Singapore talk about self-discovery, school, first loves and more.

Name: Vicky Yau
Age: 28
Sexual orientation: Lesbian
Occupation: Student
City/Country of Residence: Hong Kong
City/Country where you attended school: Hong Kong/Florida, US

Being gay in school:
Being gay in school wasn't that hard for me. I first realized I was different when I was in Primary 4, when all I could think of doing during recess was to get the attention of the girls that were the most feminine and cute. I told them jokes, and I helped them get their lunchboxes from the canteen. They thought I was a nice girl and well, I had been one of the popular ones in school all my life. I got along with my male classmates just fine but it wasn't particularly enjoyable or exciting or, even now, special. I was considered as a tomboy then, though no one ever called me any funny names. I was lucky to be in a school where no one believed anyone could be a homosexual. Even teachers thought that all the tomboys or "sissies" were going through a phase. Perhaps it was lucky for us gay teenagers that we were safe from harassment; perhaps it was pathetic for the society to ignore such an issue and gay teenagers had to go through the pain of finding out the truth about themselves alone.

Coming out to yourself:
To be honest, I had thought it was a phase too. It wasn't until I was in Form 3 (about 15 years old) did I realize that my feeling towards this one girl was "something else." I had heard of "homosexuality," it was a term to be whispered but not to be said out loud. I knew the chance of finding someone like me was zilch. However, I had no problem accepting that fact that I was a "homo". I was just very depressed that I was one. I remember I was lying in bed one night, bracing myself against the inevitable future of being alone for the rest of my life.

Coming out to friends:
The first person I ever came out to was the girl whom I had a crush on since Form 2. I told her in a long letter after we both went to college in the US, though at different schools. She replied my letter by saying that she wasn't a lesbian and that we were never such good friends to begin with, and we should keep it that way. That hurt. The second semester during my freshmen year I joined the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual Student Union (LGBSU) on campus and since then, most of my friends during my college life were gay (both men and women).
I only told one of my good friends from high school about my sexuality when I came back to Hong Kong 4 years ago. She was very supportive and nice about it. I don't really have a problem with coming out to my friends since I haven't kept in touch with my high school friends during the years I was away and now most of my friends are gay like me anyway.

Coming out to family:
My mom was the Head Nurse in the hospital before she retired. When I was 16 and was so infatuated with this girl I told you about earlier that I couldn't even study at all, I decided to tell my mom. I thought my mom would be disappointed for a few days, the way she would when I got a Fail in my report card, and afterwards, she would love me just the same. I even thought that she would give me some medication from the hospital this time to "cure" me. Well, surprise, surprise. She was cooking then - chopping something like ribs in the kitchen.
Upon hearing my "confession", she chased me (with the knife still in her hand) from the kitchen to my bedroom, calling me names like "devil's child" and "Satan girl" and "man-girl" (a derogatory term used to describe a butch). I dared not talk to her for the next few weeks while she pretended nothing had ever happened. I knew she had told my dad about it too.
Nothing about "girls" was ever mentioned until after I came back from the States. I was 24 then. She confronted me about it this time. All I said to her was "love doesn't hurt, only hate does". She cried, she moaned, she threatened me with her words, but I wasn't afraid of that anymore. I was big enough to break down the door even if she had to lock me up. I believe she is beginning to accept the fact now. Though this issue has been shut up between us again, she has been urging me to get a life insurance.

"It's for your own good, since you're never gonna get married, and if something happens to you and I am not here, at least your best friend could be benefited." I don't want to pursue the matter with her right then and there, despite it seeming hopeful and encouraging. I will not force my parents to accept my sexuality, but I could tell during these years how much they love me. To put myself in their shoes, their daughter is doing something against their believes and against our so-called culture and tradition, yet I am their daughter and they still choose to "forgive" me for whatever disappointment I force on them.

Since the teenage coming-out episode with my mom, I was never in good terms with my parents. People always say we should love our parents yet I never knew how; never knew why. I never told them I love them because I didn't think I could. It was like true love, only time could really tell. And I can say I love my parents now, my mom, especially, for it is her who shows me what unconditional and unrequited love (all what I’ve been searching for in relationship after relationship) is, by making me feel loved.


First crushes/love/relationships and sex:
My first crush didn't land me on a relationship, not even a kiss. My first kiss was with a gay man who is still my best friend. My first sexual encounter wasn't based on love. I had my first sex experience when I was 17, at college. Her name was Justine and we were watching a baseball match together, held by the LGBSU. She asked if she could go home with me and I said she could. That was it. I didn't enjoy it, and frankly, I didn't even find her a bit attractive. I agreed simply because I was excited by the idea of

SEX.
Looking back, she was rather good in bed but I was too nervous to appreciate it. I faked an orgasm, hoping that I could wash my hands off (literally) as soon as possible. My first girlfriend was a Filipino American whom I met at a Halloween party at 18. She was 26 at the time. It made me felt like I'd suddenly become a real adult - with a girlfriend, a lot of sex and a relationship. That's what most everybody in both Eastern and Western worlds is talking about, isn't it?

The relationship ended after a few months when she had to move back to Ohio. That was devastating but it didn't take me too long to get over her. I was young, and the pain of losing is so insignificant then. As I grow up, I learn that it is becoming harder and harder to get over someone.
As each relationship is getting longer, hope and the promise of "together" become what I cling on to. The pain becomes real, and each loss and disappointment becomes a disaster. (I remember I was lying in bed one night at age 15, bracing myself against the inevitable future of being alone for the rest of my life – I wonder where that strength has gone…)


Name: Dumb_joe
Age: 22
Sexual orientation: Gay, gay and Gay!
Occupation: Student
City/Country of Residence: Singapore
City/Country where you attended school: London, Singapore

Being gay in school:
I lived in London when I was young and then moved to Singapore way before the awkward stage puberty set in so I honestly cannot say what it was like being gay in school there, thought it would make growing up gay ore interesting! But being gay in Singapore was a whole other story. Basically it was a case of flying under the "radar" while studying in Singapore.
When it came to talking about girls and their endowments, or lack thereof, I could throw it out with the best of them. I have to confess I was guilty of the whole "gay bashing" speak, but I was 16! and would do anything to be accepted and popular. I would see those slightly effeminate schoolmates of mine and how ostracized they were in school; it was a nightmare to be in their shoes. I do not think I ever showed a hint of my sexuality while studying form the ages of 16 to 18, hell I was even afraid to look up in the changing room, I was that paranoid!
It helped a lot that I liked the "straight" sports and represented the school teams. Now, coming out to some of my ex-schoolmates. I would get comments like" what? no way" or "what?!? but you played for XXX".
Now in University, I am not afraid of coming out to anyone. While I do not scream it at the top of my lungs, neither do I deny it when asked; which makes life a whole lot more interesting, you never know who might be in the same "family". However sometimes one cannot help but come across a less than understanding individual. I do not bother with those - my time is too valuable.

Coming out to yourself:
I was lucky because I never went through the phase of denying my sexuality. While I was afraid of showing it when I was younger, I cannot remember me being any other way. I have NEVER been attracted to girls and during the time of the "awakening", when one discovers that there is an attraction beyond just friends, it has always been guys. You could sum my coming out to myself as always was and not knowing any other way. Something like circumcision, you never know what you have not got. In this case, what I have never got was the attraction to girls.

Coming out to friends:
First time I came out it was hard and for a period I lost my best friend. The first friend I came out to was to my best friend in school when I was 17, she had a hard time accepting that a guy could like/love/have a crush on another guy. But we talked through the issue and she realised that well I have always been gay from way before I came out to her. I was and always will be me, and her knowing or not knowing made no difference to who I am or will be.
Now I like to think I am a better judge of a person’s character, if they are able to accept the whole other side of the sexuality issue or not. If I get the vibe they are "cool" with it. I just tell them. My favourite phase would be to say "I can't do (insert action) cause I am gay!" or I just talk about guys in front of them and they get the hint. Most of my friends are straight, guys and girls and it has not made a difference of me coming out to them. In fact I have been set up once or twice on the same night of me telling them... Bless those kind people!

Coming out to family:
I was tempted to. But telling my family is not something I can take back, so I had to weigh the pros and cons of telling them and anticipation how my family would react especially my parents. After much thinking I came to the conclusion that with the expectations form my parents and the "role" that I have in the family, it would be better off not telling them.

First crushes/love/relationships and sex:
My first love was my first crush and heartache relationship - and the first person I had sex with. Actually it was my first everything. First time I kissed, dated or hugged in that special way. We had met through of the Internet sites. My best friend had set up a short personal ad for me right after the A level examinations and he was the first one to respond. I remember going to the meeting, I was so nervous!
Up to the time I actually met him at the train station my feet were literally going in the other direction... towards home! First few minutes it was instant attraction like a gong going off in my head and heart. I was 18 then and I could not stop talking! When I look back I admire him for his patience if nothing else. We dated for about a month and a half, after which he unceremoniously dumped me. And he did not even tell me! It was one of those "I am always busy" things. The hell I went through after that!

Issues of self-esteem and confidence were always around. Looking back it was a good experience. The life lessons that I carry with me till today were learnt because of that. Besides after that, as a physical manifestation of the change in my life I made myself over. Like picking out my clothes more carefully and trying to be "body beautiful".

Though I have to admit, I still do carry a tiny torch for him, and always will, in that small recess of my heart. Its called "The First" And if you are wondering about the sex. He says it was his first time too, so it was a lot of experimenting and a little fumbling. But since it happened when I was totally taken by him, I still count it as one of my best experiences so far.